I meant to write this yesterday, but I am the world's best procrastinator. Plus, my heart was heavy with this post... and I took to my bed early.
This has been a year of great change. A horrible year, but the year that began my future. It's been a year of self discovery and a year of freeing myself from being treated like I'm worthless. It's been a year since the scary high blood pressures and heart palpatations, a year since sleeping with one eye open, a year since existing without a future, and a year since the violence of a domestic nature.
I took myself and Liam to a domestic violence shelter on January 17, 2010. The events of the previous two days had escalated to the point that I was afraid for my life and the future of my son being raised without a mother. We spent the next four weeks healing myself, filing for divorce, and preparing to be a single mom. The days were long and hard, but I slept like I have never slept before. For the first time in too long, I was safe.
There have been many repercussions from deciding to choose safety. Not a day has passed that I have not realized something new. But every single one of them has been worth it. I spent so long being deprived of affection, that I have now turned into an affection whore. I crave it. I still cringe when a man's hand leaves his side, even when it's overly obvious that that hand would never strike me. Certain common phrases that were loaded with hate when coming out of his mouth are still paralyzing. There are even songs that make me feel less than nothing. I will probably deal with a lot of these things forever.
The thing about all of this is, I have a future now. I'm not going to be stuck in that space ever again. I am relearning how to be myself again. It's still a learning process, but I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I was 365 days ago. Hell, I'm further than I was 3 months ago. I have smiled genuinely, laughed heartily, learned to love again. It's been a bumpy ride, but at least I'm outside of the house again. I'm finally living.
There are some good things going on in my life right now. There are several amazing people that have entered my life during this year, and my heart is grateful for them. Someday I might believe them when they tell me I'm amazing myself. I'm still making changes, and still moving forward.
And I'm still alive.
Which was the only motivator in the beginning of this reinvention.