Friday, February 25, 2011

The Saddest of Sad Days...

Twenty one years ago, a selfish act destroyed my life. The girl that lived twenty one years ago yesterday died with you.

Who knows what that girl could have been? She was dead set on taking over the world, and had all the tools to do it. But with one act of cowardice, one blip on the radar, one self inflicted wound... you destroyed all the confidence, self-love, and worth that girl ever felt about herself.

The girl that came out of that? Let me tell you a little about her: She is amazing. She doesn't always see it in herself, but it's true. No one fights harder, loves with more passion, hurts deeper, or is more loyal. She's even still loyal to you, the first person to break her heart. She forgave you for that years ago. And tomorrow, she'll be happy. Today, she is sad.

Your exit began the cycle of horrible Februaries. Even on the sunny days, this entire month is just wrong. If I could go to sleep on January 31, and wake up on March 1... those 4 weeks would not be missed. There's always a death, there's always heartbreak, there's always strife in February.

I miss my father with my entire soul. Everything I do is colored by the fact that he chose to leave my life in the most final way possible. I see him in my son's smile, in my nephew's eyes. I scream into the wind with curses because my son will never know his grandfather. But, deep down, I forgive him. I might have done the same, but for the hurt on my grandmother's face when his name is mentioned, these twenty years later. I could never hurt another human being like that on purpose.

This is the first year that I can say I'm not broken. I am finally healing. Not just from the pain of being orphaned, but from the horrible decisions I've made because of it. I'm sad today, but my life is good. And I will smile in spite of today.

~I can only guess it was time for you to be free. To ascend to a broader, more wonderful life than this... Be sure to comfort and protect your children. They need you now. Stand beside them, rise within them, and love them. -Leisha Hailey

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Finding THAT Girl...

Wow. I might have done it. I don't really want to put everything in writing because that's a sure fire way for it to fall to pieces tomorrow. But today, I am happy.

I've discovered some truths about myself that actually make me proud to be me. I am fierce, amazing, and I love this girl I am. I really do.

I've got a hell of a long way to go to get to where I need and want to be, but a hell of a lot farther than I have been in a long time.

I've not seen a future for myself in a long long time. And now, I can see this huge, happy life just opening up.

And with that said, this post is going to be short. I'm still a work in progress, and this kind of bragging is too new for me to keep it up for long. Just know, the smile you see on me is real.