Thursday, November 25, 2010


Today is a good day. This week has been a good week. I have been reminded in so many ways how truly blessed my life is. And that I should take that with me when the world goes dark.

My life is a battle, but perhaps everyone's is. We all have our own demons. But honestly, I am well aware of what a gift life is. I have had to fight to live this life, so why NOT live it the way I want? I don't have to be happy all the time. Conversely, I don't have to be sad all the time.

On this day... today... instead of stressing out about food preparation, or any of the other burdens we bear in this life... be happy. Be grateful. Reach out and feel the love that is out there in the Universe just waiting for you to ask for it. Tomorrow might be miserable, so be happy today.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Flying Solo

I've been using you all. Every one of you. I am not going to apologize. I need you. If you're reading this, I need you more than I could ever convey. I am not good at being alone. I'm no good at pretending I don't need to connect to other people. I thought I could go on with my life and just raise my boy and protect my heart... it's not working.

Alone leads to panic attacks. Alone let me talk myself into being used. Alone makes me grasp at straws, build relationships in unhealthy ways, refuse to be left behind. I make terrible, rash decisions when my loneliness gets this bad. And I usually end up unhappily married at the other end of it. There's a whole lot that goes on between that... but I'm trying my best not to rush into another relationship, just because I'm lonely and hate being that way. I'm so out of the loop (or maybe never was in the loop) that I don't know how people let relationships grow organically. I really want to find out.

I don't want to get married again, because apparently I either don't pick partners very well or I just suck at being someone's wife. I just want to know someone is there. That cares about me, that I can call and ask for a hug. That won't think I'm a psycho when I cry. That isn't in love with someone else.

My life is on hold, and I'm tired of this pause. I'm moving on, I just don't know when. Why are the doors all locked?

Monday, November 8, 2010


Broken Toes are amazing. I have at least 2 currently, possibly 3. I did it chasing after an almost 3-year-old. My foot is throbbing and turning a lovely shade of purple. Yay Monday.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

And the award for Most Selfish Daughter goes to...

Today is definitely one of *those* days. Mom woke me up at 5am complaining of a headache. Now, normally, I'm awake at 5am and almost ready to face the day. Today was one of the few I had planned to sleep in since I was taking Liam to school. I wasn't the happiest person to ever fetch an extra strength Tylenol or two. I was probably downright grouchy as hell. Fast forward an hour, and I wasn't able to go back to sleep, so I got in the shower. I was about halfway through when Mom starts hollering through the house for me again. I pretended for a few minutes not to hear her, but fearing that she'd wake the rest of the house up, I cut my shower short and went to see what she wanted.

A glass of water. Another glass of water. Her second of the day. At 6am. Really? I was fuming. Maybe livid is a better descriptor. But, because I am first and foremost a dutiful daughter, I got it for her. But it threatened to ruin the whole day and how I dealt with her. Little did I know.

I took Liam to school and when I got back... Mom's acting weird. In that "My blood sugar is too high" way. So I take her to the ER. And my fragile mental state starts blaming me for this. I should take better care of my mom. I shouldn't think things like "take care of your own damned self". I shouldn't be making plans to move out, she's my mom, and she NEEDS me. You're one ungrateful bitch, Abbie.

So Mom's in ICU and I'm sitting in her chair in the living room. I'm scared to death that she'll never sit in this chair again. And my jewish guilt will eat me alive.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A Day Without...

a panic attack.

A small little victory.

Today is the first day in 40 that I have not had a panic attack. It's been a very long 40 days. I've got that feeling in the back of my throat that says one might still happen, but I'm being optimistic that I can keep it at bay with positive thinking.

I've been in therapy for a little over a month now. It seems to be working. My mind is a dark, twisted place. I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and the thought of less responsibility is sometimes a far scarier thought than doing what I am now. I am making headway.

There is so much that I want to do. I finally have goals in my life again. I'm trying. I want to love the person that I am. I no longer wish to change myself into a person that I can love. I am who I am and I'm going to embrace her. I want to be strong. I want to show my son that the sacrifices I have made for our lives are worth it.

And I want the panic attacks to be a thing of the past.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Revamping the Secret Plan

I guess I can let the details out about the Secret Plan from late last/earlier this year. I talked about the Secret Plan quite a bit. The super secret subtitle was : Get Cute And Leave. I totally changed the way I ate, exercised, etc. from October 2009 until the middle of January 2010 in the hopes of losing weight so that I wouldn't need surgery or have as many health issues as I do. I also wanted out of a miserable marriage, but didn't have the self confidence to believe that I could be on my own in the emotional/physical state I had gotten myself into.
Then all hell broke loose in my life. I spent some time in forced hibernation... and all hope seemed lost. I had lost 40 lbs, but everything in my life was conspiring against me and I was really afraid that I'd find those 40 plus some. Luckily, on the other side of that ordeal, and some 8-9 months later, I only gained about 10-15 lbs back. It's time to get back on the program. Although, since I'm not nearly as unhappy as I was back then, none of it needs to be a secret. I realize that the holiday season is right here and I'm kinda re-starting this at the most difficult time. But I want it again. I don't want to have surgery. I don't want to be tiny. I just want to be cute. The Plan will now be subtitled: Get Cute and Learn to Love Myself Again. I think I'll start by getting my eyebrows waxed.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Thinking Late Thoughts...

There are no real excuses for my silence. I should be on here more. I think it would help, but I never do it.

I have a real problem with sharing my innermost thoughts sometimes. Especially when I'm waiting for the black to replace my blue. I'm working on becoming a person who can see in herself what other people do.

Apparently, I have PTSD. That's a long story I'm certainly not ready to share on here, but someday I suppose I'll have enough distance from the situation to explain. I'd say anyone who would read this knows at least some of it. I'm kinda buying the diagnosis. I see these things in myself, I'm not totally blind.

I really need motivation. I just haven't found my currency. There are things I want to do... I just need to be convinced I'm capable of doing them.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Prayers for J...

Nothing is as humbling as realizing that there are blessings hidden in the horrors of your own life. My bouts with cancer seem to have many many of these blessings tucked away in them. I'm coming to terms today with the latest one I've been shown.

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer the summer after I graduated from high school. As a result, I struggled for many years with infertility. I had several miscarriages, both before and after Liam was born. I always knew that my problems were intertwined with the cancer in my ovaries. I always knew I was walking around with a time bomb in my womb. Six months after Liam was born, I decided not to play the infertility game anymore and had my remaining (then also cancerous) ovary removed and a hysterectomy. Being a mommy to Liam became more important than risking my life to have another child.

Today I'm thinking that knowing what the problem was must have been easier than not knowing.

I have a friend from high school who is fighting a similar battle. She has also had too many miscarriages. The difference is, she's not sure why. I know most people don't/won't/can't know why a miscarriage happens. But she has three beautiful boys, so something works sometimes, right? She's changing doctors, with a visit this afternoon. I'm praying that this doctor can help her. Fewer things in this world would make me happier than to see her happy, healthy, and 9 months pregnant with a healthy baby. My heart is in my throat every time she has a positive test. I cry when it doesn't take. I can only imagine what she's going through. (Okay, I have a VERY good idea what she's going through... maybe that's why I'm so invested.)

So, if you read my little blog, please say a prayer for my friend. She's always in mine. This might not have been the most eloquent post, but it's the most heartfelt.

Friday, January 15, 2010


It never fails. Whenever I think that my life is starting to get a bit sunnier, life throws a monkeywrench at my head. I must have been a serial (cereal) killer in a past life.

This week started off great. I started taking a tax class so I can prepare taxes, and maybe make a little extra moolah. I actually liked it. Then, on Tuesday, I had an appointment with my doctor to go over the progress I was making on the secret plan and to see about moving things forward. I've been working really hard, so I figured this one would be more or less a session of "You're doing good work, here's what you should do now." The nurse is super proud of me... brags on me to all the office staff... I'm actually kinda believing I did a good job. Until she takes my blood pressure.

This can't be right. My blood pressure is UP? She waits 10 minutes and takes it again. Down from the original, but still up. Scarily up. When a person loses 8% of their body weight, their blood pressure just DOESN'T go up. It almost always goes down.

She tells me not to worry, they'll check it again before I leave. It's going down, so maybe I just have "white coat syndrome." Yeah right.

The doc comes in and tells me I'm doing a good job, but the BP is definitely an issue. Great. Moving forward on the secret plan immediately comes off the table. "We'll revisit that, but first we have to figure out what's up with the blood pressure." Of course. It's not your secret plan. You're not the one in limbo. Let's play with BP meds for six months while we wait, shall we?

So, I'm starting to really think the day is going to go into the crapper. As he listens to my heart- I see the same look on his face that I got when that radiology tech found the cancerous tumor on my ovary way back when. Why don't healthcare professionals get taught to have a pokerface about this shit? Apparently my heartbeat is a bit irregular too.

So here's where I am. Had the EKG on my heart yesterday. Waiting to hear the results. They should come today. Step 2 of the secret plan is postponed until June at the earliest.

Scared to death? Yessir. That's me right now.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

New Years Resolutions

I've got a few.

I'm not normally the resolution making type, but this year I figured I'd give it a go. So maybe I'll have the goal in print and have some type of motivation to stick with it. Holding myself accountable and all that jazz. So here goes:

Resolution #1- Blog here at least once a week.
I know that sounds too simple, but look back at my previous posts. Last one was in September. FREAKING SEPTEMBER! I didn't forget. I didn't hide in a cave. I just neglected the blog. I did things. I did fun things. Things I'd have enjoyed sharing. Oh well. Life goes on. But hopefully this year I'll write more about it. Did I ever mention that I used to write a lot?

Resolution #2- Continue with the Secret Plan.
I've done pretty well on the Secret Plan stuff. Going Tuesday for a "big talk." That means I will either get some vindication for what I've been doing the last 15 weeks or I'll get a new direction. Either way, I'll come out of this a better, happier person. Trust me, you all want that for me.

Resolution #3- Send out Christmas Cards this year.
I added this one just in case I take a total crap on my life and fall flat on my face with the other two resolutions. I have 12 months to screw that one up. And I'm already halfway there. I have a bunch of Christmas cards already made up. I just got busy and didn't get them addressed or anything. I remembered that I hadn't done them on December 22nd. Too late.

So there we have it folks. Hopefully you'll hear from me again before another 3 months passes by. And if you don't... chew my ass out for it!