The Difference A Year Makes

I meant to write this yesterday, but I am the world's best procrastinator. Plus, my heart was heavy with this post... and I took to my bed early.

This has been a year of great change. A horrible year, but the year that began my future. It's been a year of self discovery and a year of freeing myself from being treated like I'm worthless. It's been a year since the scary high blood pressures and heart palpatations, a year since sleeping with one eye open, a year since existing without a future, and a year since the violence of a domestic nature.

I took myself and Liam to a domestic violence shelter on January 17, 2010. The events of the previous two days had escalated to the point that I was afraid for my life and the future of my son being raised without a mother. We spent the next four weeks healing myself, filing for divorce, and preparing to be a single mom. The days were long and hard, but I slept like I have never slept before. For the first time in too long, I was safe.

There have been many repercussions from deciding to choose safety. Not a day has passed that I have not realized something new. But every single one of them has been worth it. I spent so long being deprived of affection, that I have now turned into an affection whore. I crave it. I still cringe when a man's hand leaves his side, even when it's overly obvious that that hand would never strike me. Certain common phrases that were loaded with hate when coming out of his mouth are still paralyzing. There are even songs that make me feel less than nothing. I will probably deal with a lot of these things forever.

The thing about all of this is, I have a future now. I'm not going to be stuck in that space ever again. I am relearning how to be myself again. It's still a learning process, but I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I was 365 days ago. Hell, I'm further than I was 3 months ago. I have smiled genuinely, laughed heartily, learned to love again. It's been a bumpy ride, but at least I'm outside of the house again. I'm finally living.

There are some good things going on in my life right now. There are several amazing people that have entered my life during this year, and my heart is grateful for them. Someday I might believe them when they tell me I'm amazing myself. I'm still making changes, and still moving forward.

And I'm still alive.

Which was the only motivator in the beginning of this reinvention.

Prayers for J...

Nothing is as humbling as realizing that there are blessings hidden in the horrors of your own life. My bouts with cancer seem to have many many of these blessings tucked away in them. I'm coming to terms today with the latest one I've been shown.

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer the summer after I graduated from high school. As a result, I struggled for many years with infertility. I had several miscarriages, both before and after Liam was born. I always knew that my problems were intertwined with the cancer in my ovaries. I always knew I was walking around with a time bomb in my womb. Six months after Liam was born, I decided not to play the infertility game anymore and had my remaining (then also cancerous) ovary removed and a hysterectomy. Being a mommy to Liam became more important than risking my life to have another child.

Today I'm thinking that knowing what the problem was must have been easier than not knowing.

I have a friend from high school who is fighting a similar battle. She has also had too many miscarriages. The difference is, she's not sure why. I know most people don't/won't/can't know why a miscarriage happens. But she has three beautiful boys, so something works sometimes, right? She's changing doctors, with a visit this afternoon. I'm praying that this doctor can help her. Fewer things in this world would make me happier than to see her happy, healthy, and 9 months pregnant with a healthy baby. My heart is in my throat every time she has a positive test. I cry when it doesn't take. I can only imagine what she's going through. (Okay, I have a VERY good idea what she's going through... maybe that's why I'm so invested.)

So, if you read my little blog, please say a prayer for my friend. She's always in mine. This might not have been the most eloquent post, but it's the most heartfelt.