Thursday, November 11, 2010

Flying Solo

I've been using you all. Every one of you. I am not going to apologize. I need you. If you're reading this, I need you more than I could ever convey. I am not good at being alone. I'm no good at pretending I don't need to connect to other people. I thought I could go on with my life and just raise my boy and protect my heart... it's not working.

Alone leads to panic attacks. Alone let me talk myself into being used. Alone makes me grasp at straws, build relationships in unhealthy ways, refuse to be left behind. I make terrible, rash decisions when my loneliness gets this bad. And I usually end up unhappily married at the other end of it. There's a whole lot that goes on between that... but I'm trying my best not to rush into another relationship, just because I'm lonely and hate being that way. I'm so out of the loop (or maybe never was in the loop) that I don't know how people let relationships grow organically. I really want to find out.

I don't want to get married again, because apparently I either don't pick partners very well or I just suck at being someone's wife. I just want to know someone is there. That cares about me, that I can call and ask for a hug. That won't think I'm a psycho when I cry. That isn't in love with someone else.

My life is on hold, and I'm tired of this pause. I'm moving on, I just don't know when. Why are the doors all locked?

1 comment:

  1. Yo are not alone.
    You do not need to settle to be loved.
    You do not need to lower your standards to simply fill a space in your heart. This is the perfect time, (just like the time after my divorce) to find Abbie, and really get to know yourself and realize what an awesome woman you are and begin to love yourself and maybe even like yourself.

    I have not had luck finding that person I connect with in the past. Most women don't because we don't raise boys the same way we do girls, simply aren't enough nice men out there.

    Keep asking the Universe for what you want and really search your heart to what is important and what would fulfill you and remind yourself of all the wonderful things you have to offer someone. Most of all, don't be afraid to be on your own for a while. It is freeing and liberating. Don't waste your Energy on wanting something simply for the sake of wanting it.

    I am here if you need me. I love you and you are never alone.