I've been using you all. Every one of you. I am not going to apologize. I need you. If you're reading this, I need you more than I could ever convey. I am not good at being alone. I'm no good at pretending I don't need to connect to other people. I thought I could go on with my life and just raise my boy and protect my heart... it's not working.
Alone leads to panic attacks. Alone let me talk myself into being used. Alone makes me grasp at straws, build relationships in unhealthy ways, refuse to be left behind. I make terrible, rash decisions when my loneliness gets this bad. And I usually end up unhappily married at the other end of it. There's a whole lot that goes on between that... but I'm trying my best not to rush into another relationship, just because I'm lonely and hate being that way. I'm so out of the loop (or maybe never was in the loop) that I don't know how people let relationships grow organically. I really want to find out.
I don't want to get married again, because apparently I either don't pick partners very well or I just suck at being someone's wife. I just want to know someone is there. That cares about me, that I can call and ask for a hug. That won't think I'm a psycho when I cry. That isn't in love with someone else.
My life is on hold, and I'm tired of this pause. I'm moving on, I just don't know when. Why are the doors all locked?