I guess I can let the details out about the Secret Plan from late last/earlier this year. I talked about the Secret Plan quite a bit. The super secret subtitle was : Get Cute And Leave. I totally changed the way I ate, exercised, etc. from October 2009 until the middle of January 2010 in the hopes of losing weight so that I wouldn't need surgery or have as many health issues as I do. I also wanted out of a miserable marriage, but didn't have the self confidence to believe that I could be on my own in the emotional/physical state I had gotten myself into.
Then all hell broke loose in my life. I spent some time in forced hibernation... and all hope seemed lost. I had lost 40 lbs, but everything in my life was conspiring against me and I was really afraid that I'd find those 40 plus some. Luckily, on the other side of that ordeal, and some 8-9 months later, I only gained about 10-15 lbs back. It's time to get back on the program. Although, since I'm not nearly as unhappy as I was back then, none of it needs to be a secret. I realize that the holiday season is right here and I'm kinda re-starting this at the most difficult time. But I want it again. I don't want to have surgery. I don't want to be tiny. I just want to be cute. The Plan will now be subtitled: Get Cute and Learn to Love Myself Again. I think I'll start by getting my eyebrows waxed.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Thinking Late Thoughts...
There are no real excuses for my silence. I should be on here more. I think it would help, but I never do it.
I have a real problem with sharing my innermost thoughts sometimes. Especially when I'm waiting for the black to replace my blue. I'm working on becoming a person who can see in herself what other people do.
Apparently, I have PTSD. That's a long story I'm certainly not ready to share on here, but someday I suppose I'll have enough distance from the situation to explain. I'd say anyone who would read this knows at least some of it. I'm kinda buying the diagnosis. I see these things in myself, I'm not totally blind.
I really need motivation. I just haven't found my currency. There are things I want to do... I just need to be convinced I'm capable of doing them.
I have a real problem with sharing my innermost thoughts sometimes. Especially when I'm waiting for the black to replace my blue. I'm working on becoming a person who can see in herself what other people do.
Apparently, I have PTSD. That's a long story I'm certainly not ready to share on here, but someday I suppose I'll have enough distance from the situation to explain. I'd say anyone who would read this knows at least some of it. I'm kinda buying the diagnosis. I see these things in myself, I'm not totally blind.
I really need motivation. I just haven't found my currency. There are things I want to do... I just need to be convinced I'm capable of doing them.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Prayers for J...
Nothing is as humbling as realizing that there are blessings hidden in the horrors of your own life. My bouts with cancer seem to have many many of these blessings tucked away in them. I'm coming to terms today with the latest one I've been shown.
I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer the summer after I graduated from high school. As a result, I struggled for many years with infertility. I had several miscarriages, both before and after Liam was born. I always knew that my problems were intertwined with the cancer in my ovaries. I always knew I was walking around with a time bomb in my womb. Six months after Liam was born, I decided not to play the infertility game anymore and had my remaining (then also cancerous) ovary removed and a hysterectomy. Being a mommy to Liam became more important than risking my life to have another child.
Today I'm thinking that knowing what the problem was must have been easier than not knowing.
I have a friend from high school who is fighting a similar battle. She has also had too many miscarriages. The difference is, she's not sure why. I know most people don't/won't/can't know why a miscarriage happens. But she has three beautiful boys, so something works sometimes, right? She's changing doctors, with a visit this afternoon. I'm praying that this doctor can help her. Fewer things in this world would make me happier than to see her happy, healthy, and 9 months pregnant with a healthy baby. My heart is in my throat every time she has a positive test. I cry when it doesn't take. I can only imagine what she's going through. (Okay, I have a VERY good idea what she's going through... maybe that's why I'm so invested.)
So, if you read my little blog, please say a prayer for my friend. She's always in mine. This might not have been the most eloquent post, but it's the most heartfelt.
I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer the summer after I graduated from high school. As a result, I struggled for many years with infertility. I had several miscarriages, both before and after Liam was born. I always knew that my problems were intertwined with the cancer in my ovaries. I always knew I was walking around with a time bomb in my womb. Six months after Liam was born, I decided not to play the infertility game anymore and had my remaining (then also cancerous) ovary removed and a hysterectomy. Being a mommy to Liam became more important than risking my life to have another child.
Today I'm thinking that knowing what the problem was must have been easier than not knowing.
I have a friend from high school who is fighting a similar battle. She has also had too many miscarriages. The difference is, she's not sure why. I know most people don't/won't/can't know why a miscarriage happens. But she has three beautiful boys, so something works sometimes, right? She's changing doctors, with a visit this afternoon. I'm praying that this doctor can help her. Fewer things in this world would make me happier than to see her happy, healthy, and 9 months pregnant with a healthy baby. My heart is in my throat every time she has a positive test. I cry when it doesn't take. I can only imagine what she's going through. (Okay, I have a VERY good idea what she's going through... maybe that's why I'm so invested.)
So, if you read my little blog, please say a prayer for my friend. She's always in mine. This might not have been the most eloquent post, but it's the most heartfelt.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Setbacks
It never fails. Whenever I think that my life is starting to get a bit sunnier, life throws a monkeywrench at my head. I must have been a serial (cereal) killer in a past life.
This week started off great. I started taking a tax class so I can prepare taxes, and maybe make a little extra moolah. I actually liked it. Then, on Tuesday, I had an appointment with my doctor to go over the progress I was making on the secret plan and to see about moving things forward. I've been working really hard, so I figured this one would be more or less a session of "You're doing good work, here's what you should do now." The nurse is super proud of me... brags on me to all the office staff... I'm actually kinda believing I did a good job. Until she takes my blood pressure.
This can't be right. My blood pressure is UP? She waits 10 minutes and takes it again. Down from the original, but still up. Scarily up. When a person loses 8% of their body weight, their blood pressure just DOESN'T go up. It almost always goes down.
She tells me not to worry, they'll check it again before I leave. It's going down, so maybe I just have "white coat syndrome." Yeah right.
The doc comes in and tells me I'm doing a good job, but the BP is definitely an issue. Great. Moving forward on the secret plan immediately comes off the table. "We'll revisit that, but first we have to figure out what's up with the blood pressure." Of course. It's not your secret plan. You're not the one in limbo. Let's play with BP meds for six months while we wait, shall we?
So, I'm starting to really think the day is going to go into the crapper. As he listens to my heart- I see the same look on his face that I got when that radiology tech found the cancerous tumor on my ovary way back when. Why don't healthcare professionals get taught to have a pokerface about this shit? Apparently my heartbeat is a bit irregular too.
So here's where I am. Had the EKG on my heart yesterday. Waiting to hear the results. They should come today. Step 2 of the secret plan is postponed until June at the earliest.
Scared to death? Yessir. That's me right now.
This week started off great. I started taking a tax class so I can prepare taxes, and maybe make a little extra moolah. I actually liked it. Then, on Tuesday, I had an appointment with my doctor to go over the progress I was making on the secret plan and to see about moving things forward. I've been working really hard, so I figured this one would be more or less a session of "You're doing good work, here's what you should do now." The nurse is super proud of me... brags on me to all the office staff... I'm actually kinda believing I did a good job. Until she takes my blood pressure.
This can't be right. My blood pressure is UP? She waits 10 minutes and takes it again. Down from the original, but still up. Scarily up. When a person loses 8% of their body weight, their blood pressure just DOESN'T go up. It almost always goes down.
She tells me not to worry, they'll check it again before I leave. It's going down, so maybe I just have "white coat syndrome." Yeah right.
The doc comes in and tells me I'm doing a good job, but the BP is definitely an issue. Great. Moving forward on the secret plan immediately comes off the table. "We'll revisit that, but first we have to figure out what's up with the blood pressure." Of course. It's not your secret plan. You're not the one in limbo. Let's play with BP meds for six months while we wait, shall we?
So, I'm starting to really think the day is going to go into the crapper. As he listens to my heart- I see the same look on his face that I got when that radiology tech found the cancerous tumor on my ovary way back when. Why don't healthcare professionals get taught to have a pokerface about this shit? Apparently my heartbeat is a bit irregular too.
So here's where I am. Had the EKG on my heart yesterday. Waiting to hear the results. They should come today. Step 2 of the secret plan is postponed until June at the earliest.
Scared to death? Yessir. That's me right now.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
New Years Resolutions
I've got a few.
I'm not normally the resolution making type, but this year I figured I'd give it a go. So maybe I'll have the goal in print and have some type of motivation to stick with it. Holding myself accountable and all that jazz. So here goes:
Resolution #1- Blog here at least once a week.
I know that sounds too simple, but look back at my previous posts. Last one was in September. FREAKING SEPTEMBER! I didn't forget. I didn't hide in a cave. I just neglected the blog. I did things. I did fun things. Things I'd have enjoyed sharing. Oh well. Life goes on. But hopefully this year I'll write more about it. Did I ever mention that I used to write a lot?
Resolution #2- Continue with the Secret Plan.
I've done pretty well on the Secret Plan stuff. Going Tuesday for a "big talk." That means I will either get some vindication for what I've been doing the last 15 weeks or I'll get a new direction. Either way, I'll come out of this a better, happier person. Trust me, you all want that for me.
Resolution #3- Send out Christmas Cards this year.
I added this one just in case I take a total crap on my life and fall flat on my face with the other two resolutions. I have 12 months to screw that one up. And I'm already halfway there. I have a bunch of Christmas cards already made up. I just got busy and didn't get them addressed or anything. I remembered that I hadn't done them on December 22nd. Too late.
So there we have it folks. Hopefully you'll hear from me again before another 3 months passes by. And if you don't... chew my ass out for it!
I'm not normally the resolution making type, but this year I figured I'd give it a go. So maybe I'll have the goal in print and have some type of motivation to stick with it. Holding myself accountable and all that jazz. So here goes:
Resolution #1- Blog here at least once a week.
I know that sounds too simple, but look back at my previous posts. Last one was in September. FREAKING SEPTEMBER! I didn't forget. I didn't hide in a cave. I just neglected the blog. I did things. I did fun things. Things I'd have enjoyed sharing. Oh well. Life goes on. But hopefully this year I'll write more about it. Did I ever mention that I used to write a lot?
Resolution #2- Continue with the Secret Plan.
I've done pretty well on the Secret Plan stuff. Going Tuesday for a "big talk." That means I will either get some vindication for what I've been doing the last 15 weeks or I'll get a new direction. Either way, I'll come out of this a better, happier person. Trust me, you all want that for me.
Resolution #3- Send out Christmas Cards this year.
I added this one just in case I take a total crap on my life and fall flat on my face with the other two resolutions. I have 12 months to screw that one up. And I'm already halfway there. I have a bunch of Christmas cards already made up. I just got busy and didn't get them addressed or anything. I remembered that I hadn't done them on December 22nd. Too late.
So there we have it folks. Hopefully you'll hear from me again before another 3 months passes by. And if you don't... chew my ass out for it!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Progress
So I've got this secret plan. A very secret plan. Very few, if any, know the full details of said plan. I will say this: I spent the majority of today working on perhaps the biggest part of the plan.
I feel really good about this. Not only will this be very good for me, but I actually have a goal to strive for. Since Liam was born, I've not had a goal to keep me going. And that's how I roll. I need something to work for. This time it isn't minimum wage.
More will be revealed later. Right now, Liam is screaming about a missing Tuck.
I feel really good about this. Not only will this be very good for me, but I actually have a goal to strive for. Since Liam was born, I've not had a goal to keep me going. And that's how I roll. I need something to work for. This time it isn't minimum wage.
More will be revealed later. Right now, Liam is screaming about a missing Tuck.
Friday, September 4, 2009
A wee little update
I finally got off my ass (well, no, not really) and got some stuff done. I found a new doctor, and made an appointment. I really was impressed by how soon I could get in. I also felt good about the fact that the office manager (who set up my appt) moved the appointment up because of the foot pain I've been experiencing. I got to talk to the nurse, and am already under orders to elevate said foot and alternate ice/heat.
I also have a job interview next week. Not a great job, but if I get it, I'll at least have some money. Because being held prisoner in the mauseoleum is not so much fun. Money= progress. The secret plan is coming together.
So that's all that's new with me right now. No big shakes, but things aren't looking so dim.
I also have a job interview next week. Not a great job, but if I get it, I'll at least have some money. Because being held prisoner in the mauseoleum is not so much fun. Money= progress. The secret plan is coming together.
So that's all that's new with me right now. No big shakes, but things aren't looking so dim.
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